Saturday, October 2, 2010

My valley of darkness

Ever felt hard to wake up, and waking up is like a chore and nightmare? Thats how I felt right now. I wish I can live in a dream and forever not wake up. I sometimes wonder would a person who is in coma happy? well, if she or he has everything to live for probably not. But for now, I would like to take his place.

Its seems a torture to even walk out to the world outside.

Though a good friend of mine, after hearing what happen took the trouble to see me during lunch, we joked and laugh but I felt worse than ever. I felt I have not even live my life proper and it seems I am not even there yet and the feeling sucks. I gone home feeling depress that I am back to square one. I was full of hope, previously a few weeks back, having to live my dream and on the way of achieving more,. But now I felt I have achieved nothing. I feel all these while what have I been doing? wasting my time? I guess all of us did worked hard for what we have today, but sometimes the green monster in us awakens to remind us how low we are compared to others. Yupz, you may be saying to stop dwelling in self-pity. But thats how I am feeling now. I have the fact that all have come to naught. I guess thats how my sister felt when she was in hospital. But the only difference is she has at least for once achieved much before she left. For this moment, I really wish she was here with me. Cause she would know the right things to say to me. 

I feel really tired of having to fight in this game called life.  I cant get out and I cant stop it. I just have to walk it through. Getting tired and getting frustrated. 

Am I upset over the failure of the relationship?

I guess I am. Because I did have some good times. But the bad times is much much more than I expect. The insecurity of the future and the frustration of the present is the strength for me to put a stop to this dwindling situation. I guess only 1 word to describe this failure : Timing

So what its next?

When you cant find someone to love or to love you? The only 1 thing to do is to love yourself. :) And to find some people who needs love. When you realise there are still people who needs your caring. You would start to stop focusing on your hurt and be too busy to wallow in self- pity.

I really wanted to go Australia this year end. But I guess that dream is thwarted. Well, I could still go ahead, but its quite scary for me to go on own. Well, guess I have to change my destination. Really need to get out of here for a while.